The Universe Is Kind of a Dick ...

 

... or so says the sock that went back on my left foot after I took this photo. It's been a rough year so far and an even rougher week. Spouse had a double bypass on January 2 and has learned that he is looking at a future hip replacement and repair of a torn rotator cuff. My back pain just keeps on keeping on, but more on that later.

This week we said good-bye to a family member for the past seven years, our rescue dog Lassa. She was at the local SPCA as a stray, but it's more likely that she was dumped by someone I hope I never meet. The SPCA estimated her age as six, so we knew she was getting on in years. She'd been having breathing

issues and tiring easily for a while, and the breathing issues Wednesday were particularly bad. Older Son and I took her to an emergency vet appointment. They sedated and intubated her to get an x-ray. We knew that she had a growth on her spleen, and it appeared that it had grown significantly and was likely to be pressing on both her lungs and stomach. In addition, some tubes in her throat had stiffened, making it hard for her to breathe even if there had been no pressure on her lungs. Spouse joined us, and we made the decision to let her go. We gathered around her and wished her well as the vet administered to final drug. I was so glad that she had already been sedated. I don't think I could have looked into her eyes as the sedative was administered. Instead, she appeared just to be sleeping. Needless to say, I was bawling.

I have taken her death particularly hard. During the last few months, as medical issues have added up, she's been my go-to friend. Petting her and looking into her brown eyes helped me relax. Our other dogs were pretty much family dogs. They treated all of us pretty much the same. Lassa, though, preferred me. She liked Older Son, who would run with her, but he pointed out that her yips of greeting were louder for me than for him or anyone else. Especially during the pandemic, I was always at home with her. I still go up to bed each night expecting to see her on the bed. She would put herself to bed an hour or so before Spouse and I would come up. So many other times I turn, expecting her to be there, and she isn't. I commented about her death in regard to one of Gene Weingarten's Substack posts, and another person replied with what I think is how I view Lassa even though we only had her for a bit more than half of her life: "I loved you for your whole life and I'll miss you for the rest of mine."

This morning I had a pulmonary function test in consideration of whether I will merit a referral to the long COVID clinic. On those results alone, I probably would not be referred; I expect I came through as very normal. I'll see the formal results in a day or two. Wednesday holds the big appointment and may determine the course of our summer. My back pain has been growing worse. Over-the-counter drugs don't seem to be doing very much any more. Last week I had a second episode of urinary incontinence and suffered a fall pretty much caused by my back. When I emailed the doctor who has been coordinating my back care about those, he told me to send a copy to the spine surgeon I've seen and was supposed to see again in June, and, should there be a third episode of incontinence to go to the Emergency Room. I did as the doctor ordered and send the surgeon a message. I was worked into Wednesday's schedule with a note that the Pain Management procedure scheduled for Thursday may or may not take place. The admonition to go to the ER should incontinence strike was repeated. 

The pain in my back has worsened to the point at which I wonder if heading off to Europe for 18 days is a good idea. What if the pesky third bout of incontinence strikes somewhere in between Amsterdam and Budapest, while we are stopping in different towns throughout the 15-day cruise? About that ER visit? The surgeon previously described my back as "unstable." Does the stronger pain mean that it's unstabled itself into a worse position? We do have trip insurance, so if he tells me that medically, I should not go, we're covered cost-wise. Spouse says he doesn't really care when we go, though the original idea was for it to happen soon after his retirement as a celebration. I can't help but think we postpone the trip for my back surgery, then again for Spouse's shoulder surgery, followed one time more by his hip replacement. The universe might turn out to be a big kind of dick. 

And so, we wait. News at 11:00. 

Are We There Yet?

In my last post of 2024, I expressed hope that 2025 would, on the whole, be better than 2024 had been. So far, so good at least on the personal level. Spouse had a double cardiac bypass on January 2, and his recovery is proceeding as it should. He is more of a Type A person than he would like to admit, so I occasionally have to remind him that there are things he should not do yet or that it's okay to want to take a nap. The literature he was given about the bypass says that the need for napping or extra rest may last for six to eight weeks. I tell Spouse that he's livin' the dream, napping with impunity.  

My medical travails continue. I will spare you the photo of the top of my head nine days out from removal of a basal cell carcinoma. It looks a lot better now than it did last weekend. In fact, I'm out in public right now without a head or incision covering for the first time. It's not really that noticeable unless someone is taller than I am or standing behind me while I'm sitting.The past week belonged to the dentist, while the coming week belongs to the orthopedic surgeon. I still struggle with the idea of surgery, but am willing to hear what it might entail. 

I'm sitting in the lobby of one of the local libraries. One of Spouse's retired colleagues died recently, and the memorial service is this afternoon. Since Spouse won't be cleared to drive for at least two more weeks, I'm his designated driver. The physicist who passed was 83. One of my friends who will turn 89 in March just transferred from a hospital to a rehab center. She texted the usual "growing old is not for sissies" when she let friends know that she was in the hospital. When do you decide you are old or growing in that direction? While aging was part of the cause of Spouse's cardiac difficulties, it's not really behind any of my medical maladies. I feel the passage of time when for example, I think of something in the past and realize how many years ago it happened.  Do I need a medical condition that resulted from my age to make me feel as if I were growing old? I am certainly in worse physical shape and more fatigued than I was even ten years ago, much of that can be attributed to the long COVID.

I end now before my fingers start typing something about our current political situation here in the US. It's not good, and it will take years, or even decades, to recover if in fact we ever do. And on that cheery note, 2025 probably will be worse than 2024 after all.

A Day Late and a Dollar Short?

I somehow got in the habit of posting my New Years resolutions here, thinking perhaps that it would give me more incentive to keep them. I do a half-year report on my birthday, which just happens to be six months opposite New Years Day.

I was not at all sad to see 2019 end. While the start of the year was particularly bright with fireworks in Tromso, Norway on New Years Eve, I'd just as soon forget May through August and am still struggling to stay on something resembling an even keel. I did manage to be successful on my 2019 resolutions to finish crafty-artsy projects and to earn the monetary award in my employer's annual wellness challenge. Get into good shape? I'm not sure I'm in any better shape than I was a year ago, but I am in no way in worse shape. I'm not sure I ever figured out how to slow myself down, though a month of pneumonia definitely helped. Finally, wasting less time evaporated after May. I know that my depression is drifting downward by how much time I can waste, usually on social media or computer games. While it is not one of my 2020 resolutions, I am going to continue the fight on this one.

So, just what have I resolved to do or not do in 2020? I started from the idea of centering myself, both physically and emotionally. I was doodling geometrically (think grid paper) and came up with a design that pleased me (photo below). Since that design lent itself to four things each containing two things, that's what I worked toward. The four ended up being Health and Fitness, Carbon Footprint, Emotional, and General. You can probably tell which one was added because I couldn't come up with another specific category.

I did not want to put "get in shape" or "lose weight" or anything like those under Health and Fitness. I've failed at those in too many years. I've been saying lately that I should drink more water, so that's what I'm resolving to do. Younger son has been a lacto-ovo vegetarian since Grade 5, and I've been thinking about this having read too many articles lately on the awareness or intelligence of certain animals. I thought about resolving to only eating meat only when eating away from home, but to be honest, that seemed as if it would be difficult on a daily basis. I fell back on resolving simply to eat less meat.

Carbon Footprint made the list because it's something I've been thinking and worrying about. Do not get me started on what the current administration is or is not doing. I've been carrying metal straws with me for over a year, and do not use any straws brought wrapped in paper or plastic. If I need a straw, I use one of my metal ones. There are plenty of times, though, when the drink I ordered is brought with a straw already in the glass. I will do my best in 2020 to ask servers to hold the straws. While many locations have banned single-use plastic such as shopping bags, where I live has not. I pretty much always remember to take my own bag(s) into grocery stores, but need to remember not to enter another type of store without a bag. I hope it helps to resolve to use as few single-use plastic items as possible.

I had to put Emotional as a category because that's where I've really been struggling. Something that is not at all important in the course of my life happens, and if I am alone in the house or car, I yell my response which typically is less than polite. I over-react and/or react too quickly. And, yes, the over-reaction often removes the possibility of dealing with the matter appropriately. I'm calling this resolution mind before mouth, and really hope it works even a little. Of course, the shouting mentioned just now disturbs the natural silence of the day, so my second emotional resolution is to seek serenity in silence. I need to calm myself and enjoy the sound of nothing happening.

Finally, there is the General category where I somewhat extended two of last year's resolutions. First, I want to work at remembering that slow is smooth. Most of life can happen without split-second responses being needed. This obviously relates using my mind before I open my mouth. Finally, to take the advice of Neil Gaiman, I would like to make good art. I would like to extend what I now do comfortably and risk that someone's reaction to what I make might not be positive. One can learn a lot from failure, whether that failure be real or perceived.

It's now January 2, meaning it's time to get working on these. I wish I could promise that my next blog post will not be the one in six months in which I discuss how well I might or might not be doing with or learning from these goals. After all, quality aside, writing is definitely making art.