Spouse and I went to a memorial service yesterday. The person being remembered, Bob, was the father of a very good friend. We had met him and played games such as Cards against Humanity and Florida Man with him. We loved seeing him deliver an answer that made his daughter blush. She didn't know he had it in him. He was a memorable man on both the personal and the career levels. Speakers at the service included each of his four children, one of his grandchildren, and various friends from both of those personal and career worlds. Memories of various people who could not attend in personal were read. As people talked, images of him in various years and places played on a screen on the stage.
As the speakers delivered their assorted memories or even goodbyes, I found myself wondering what would happen with my death. I have no idea if Bob wanted a funeral or memorial service. My father did not want any sort of funeral or memorial service. He'd even written his own obituary, in which he lied but that's material for another post some day. His widow, my stepmother, held a memorial service anyway, as a way for his friends and neighbors to say goodbye. My mother wanted no acknowledgement of her passing, but I wrote a (factual) obituary that ran for one day in the local paper. I haven't been haunted by Mom's ghost, so I figure the obit was okay with her.
Spouse and I have left no guidance for how our sons handle our deaths. What they do is up to them. We have pre-paid cremation plans to make things easier for them. My mother had done this and it made things so much easier for me. We have not reserved space in a columbarium or mausoleum for our cremains. I keep my mother's ashes under a table in my living room. The cremains themselves are in a wooden urn which sits in the fancy white box the funeral and cremation service provided. My brother and I along with our stepmother took Dad's ashes to Montana and anonymously--and possibly illegally now that I think about it--scattered them at one of his favorite duck hunting spots. Spouse and I can decide how to handle each other's cremains or the kids can do it for both of us.
If the kids were to have a memorial service, would people come or send in memories of each of us or either of us? I expect that more people would come or contribute to Spouse's service than would to mine. He, after all, has had a career, something I never really had. People would acknowledge his passing on both a personal and professional level. And what memories worth sharing would people have of me? I can think of some noteworthy things I have done or have happened to me, but in many cases only a couple of people know what happened. The time I told a police officer that I wanted him to charge me with a driving offense? When I got four stitches in my chin by an animal doctor rather than one who treats humans, stitches removed by someone trained as a vet tech? Maybe I should write my own obituary and mention those. The idea intrigues me. I'll let you know if I really get around to writing my own obituary; I promise I tell the truth, possibly not the whole truth but nothing but the truth.
4 comments:
A timely post, as I'm currently trying to figure out what kind of obit to write for my mother. My dad's stories provided 99% of his obit, but hers? This one's a toughie.
I'll be picking up her cremains this coming week. My sister has requested a keepsake urn, but the lion's share of ash will be with me. I've already asked--my vegan hubby doesn't want them added to his garden's compost pile (although, as a life-long recycler, I think she'd get a kick out that). He's working on an alternative solution. I'm not much for bringing even MORE dust and such into the house!
Bird 'Pie
Our church and local funeral home provide a booklet to guide that planning -- specifying hymns, scriptures for the service and to write down all the details. We got our grave markers a couple of years ago and they're in the family plot at Passumpsic Cemetery south of St. Johnsbury, VT. I do need to write down the specifics. Neither my sister nor my niece or nephew have any connection to St.J (prob only a vague idea where that is). I did update my trust last year. I need to call S's trust attorney to get current with that.
P.S. Stevens has officiated at several funerals where there were no survivors/family/mourners. It is bleak.
I bought a plot for four sets of ashes at a woodland burial site, we're in the orchard area and I chose two raspberry bushes. Having put hours into the wording of three markers I decided to leave mine until a later date. I've told my son he can do whatever he wants and tell my friends that he's following my instructions, they won't know any differently. My mother had already told family that she'd left her body to the teaching hospital and not to expect a service because there wouldn't be one. I didn't know she'd told everyone but I was grateful that I didn't have to do it.
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