Weak Ends?

This past week was not a good one. The spouse's bypass was pushed back a week, to January 2, giving us one more week in which to feel nervous, even scared. I had asked Spouse if he wanted to scale back on Christmas things--fewer cards, for example. He wants this to be as normal a Christmas as possible. He did put the artificial tree together, but I ended doing all the decorating as he snored on the coach. He fell asleep while watching a program on Nazi death camps; I was afraid turning it off or changing the channel might wake him. Needless to say, I had some resentful moments when I wasn't enjoying the memories brought back by the various ornaments. The glitter-covered mink skull from my biologist cousin, for example, or some of the ornaments I made with Older Son, then two, while in the Netherlands and pregnant with Younger Son. Resentment aside, the tree looks great especially with the addition of Christmas Ape. I don't remember how many years ago it was that Older Son wanted a stuffed ape to top the tree. The ape was a two-way toy and could be turned inside out to be a stuffed globe. The zipper broke, giving a perfect slit in the back by which the ape could top the tree. The star that we used to put on top is now the ape's crown. 

The tree decorating is an example of the fine line Spouse and I have been walking. He wants to take care of me given my long COVID and back pain; I want to take things off his plate to keep things as low-key as possible given his upcoming surgery. We have stepped on each other's toes more than once doing this. I did raise the subject for a brief conversation. We're both trying to do better. 

I have made a start at Christmas cards and at wrapping the presents that were already here. Both activities wear me out thanks to the long COVID that is about to celebrate its second birthday. Some of the cards may arrive after Christmas. I just have to have them all sent before Spouse's surgery. I normally give local friends a holiday gift bag with homemade bread, small jams, and single-pot coffee samplers. One year I also included homemade granola. Last year, I also included homemade cookies. I went back and forth on doing them this year. I finally decided on just cookies. I just didn't remember that I have a bad back, and standing up and moving around the kitchen for much of the day only made bad worse. At least I wasn't standing and kneading bread. 

I had a follow-up with the doctor treating my back. He is not happy with how weak my hips are. I've started to add some hip things to the physical therapy exercises I do most mornings. I've also added some balance exercises since I lose mine easily when as tired as I am most days. While my first pain management test did nothing, the doc has referred me for another specific one. It's similar to the epidural I had while delivering Older Son. He also suggested that, despite how much I have spoken out about not wanting surgery, I see a surgeon for an info visit. He recommended someone he said viewed surgery as a last resort and could give me information I might need if the pain management treatments continue to be fruitless. While I can control most of the pain with over-the-counter nsaids, the amount I need to take is well over the "more than this is not good" dosage. Two doctors have told me I am risking going past the stage 2 chronic kidney disease I managed to develop, possibly from the nsaid doses I have taken over the years for shoulder and knee issues. 

While typing the first paragraph, I opened Amazon Music and started to play Josh Groban's Noel album. It's helping me feel the Christmas spirit a bit more. I need to remember that in the days to come. I want to feel Christmas more than the concern bordering on fear over Spouse's health not to mention my own. All will be well....